Your Fault
by CheekyBrunette
Summary: Logan's been depressed, and the boys don't know what to do.  What happens when you're friends hurt and you can't help?  You start blaming each other.  **For 2 kool 2 spell 'kool' right's birthday!**
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, this is a birthday present for 2 kool 2 spell 'kool' right, because I LOVE HER, and how could I not when she wrote something incredibly nice and wonderful for me? Exactly. Plus, she's one of the nicest people ever, and my sleepless twin, and just a whole bunch more to me. AND SHE ALWAYS LEAVES SUCH NICE REVIEWS! So here I am, writing this story for her birthday that's been written on my stomach all weekend. (please don't ask)**

_They didn't notice, but that wasn't their fault. They just didn't see what was happening in him because it wasn't there when they were together. Only when he was alone did the bad thoughts creep in and make him feel so utterly useless. They couldn't fix him because every time they came close it ran away. It was frustrating, and it was scary, and very suddenly they had the weight of the world on their shoulders because, well, Logan _was_ their world. So what do you do when your best friend is falling apart and you can't help because you miss everytime he breaks further?  
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_You start pointing fingers._

James sat up in his bunk, staring at the spot where light filtered under the bathroom door. He breathed slowly through his nose, trying to quell the nauseous feeling swirling inside him. He knew they had taken out all the razors and pretty much anything with a sharp edge out of the bathroom weeks ago, but he was still worried. He didn't think he would be able to handle it if Logan walked out with another mark on his arm or leg again. He could barely take it the first time.

James was scared. He would be the first to admit that seeing all those thin, long, slashes running up and down Logan's thin arms, those self-inflicted slashes no less, terrified him. He had never seen Logan look so small o so helpless before, his quaking form sobbing apologetically in his lap. His breath hitched in his throat at the thought of it. He knew Logan was wearing long sleeves still because he was embarrassed, but James couldn't be more thankful. He didn't think he would be able to stand seeing them healing, much less at all. His mouth felt dry, as he bit back tears in the dark of their room.

"This is your fault," came an angry voice from across the room. James looked over to see Kendall's green eyes, glowing in the dim light, glaring at him for all their worth. James scrunched his eyebrows together, feeling the full weight of Kendall's anger for the first time.

"What do you mean?" he asked, squinting. Whatever Kendall had to say, James really wasn't in the mood to hear it. He was worried, he was queasy, and he was _sick_ of being strong. The tall boy was a winding knot of pent up, tangled emotion. James could feel it in the pit of his stomach, and he was ready to pounce. Too bad Kendall couldn't see it.

"I mean what I said," Kendall spat with an eye roll. "It's _your_ fault. Logan was _fine _in Minnesota, but you had to drag him out here, didn't you?" The blonde's words were laced with venom, but James wasn't hurt by it. No, instead, it fueled a raw, hungry anger that had been forming in him since this whole thing had started. His eyes narrowed as Kendall continued. "Now, because of all this freaking pressure from _your_ ridiculous dream, he's buckling and it's all because of you. If you had been a better friend then maybe-"

"Woah," James cut him off, "do _not_ play that card on me, Knight," he snapped impersonally. "You think you're a better friend? As if. You think you can protect him _and_ date Jo? Ha, not even. You've been leaving him hanging for _months_. In my opinion, and Carlos's too," he pointed a finger at the sleeping boy beneath them, "you need to get your act together. You're not good for Logan anymore, and we don't want you near him. I'm the best person for Logie, so step off." Kendall's eyebrows shot up at the last part, and he let out a slow, condescending laugh.

"_You're_ the best person for Logie?" also using the possessive nickname the boys had for Logan. "Yeah, right. Says the guy who kissed his girlfriend!" the blond said with a snort. James recoiled for a second at the mention of a sore spot for him. That was a mistake, a fluke, a disfunction, he had admitted it, and _no one_ was allowed to bring it up again. Anger pitted up inside him.

"Shut up! You do NOT talk about that!" he yelped, ignoring the smug look on Kendall's face. This was a fight for Logan, and James apparently needed to start expecting Kendall to play dirty. Both boys admittedly just wanted to protect their friend, but they were sort of going rough to get there. James gritted his teeth together. "At least me messing up is better than just flat out ignoring him. When's the last time you helped him with Camille? Oh that's right, never, despite you being so ready to help Carlos. Don't act as if you're not playing the favorite game and throwing Logan right under the bus!" The blonde was actually fuming at that, leaving James with a satisfied smirk plastered on his face.

"I don't have favorites," he growled, clearly infuriated that James would even make such an assumption. The heart throb just laughed.

"Okay, fine, maybe you don't have favorites among us," James said, making a loop in the air, "But you do have a habit of always going with Jo, no matter who's left in the crossfire. Face it, Kendall. We can't trust you anymore as a leader because you're always off with that bottle blonde b-"

"Well what about YOU, James? You think you're always there for Carlos and Logan? Huh, funny how you're not. Cause frankly, it's ridiculous how much time you spend in hanging with girls you don't even know! So you keep spouting off whatever garbage you want about how I don't care, and how I'm not around anymore, while _I_ take care of Logan because _you're_ the one hurting him. It's your stupid, stubborn, selfish ambition that cut into Logan like that, and it is NOT okay for you to let him bleed anymore. I swear, you're going to leave him alone, or he, Carlos, and I are going back to Minnesota. With. Out. You." Kendall drove it home hard, and James felt all the air leave his body. Funny how a comment like that can knock the wind out of you faster than Carlos jumping on you from a table can. He shook his head mutely.

"No," he gulped, shutting his eyes against Kendall's mocking grin. "No, I didn't do that!" He felt himself crumbling. "I just want Logan safe," he whispered almost silently. "I just want him to be okay like he was before, or... was pretending to be. I just want to see him smile on his own. I don't want to have to watch him shave and then take his razor away to lock it up so he doesn't cut himself again," he said, not noticing the tears flooding his eyes and rushing down his cheeks. He flinched when he felt arms wrapping around him. He settled into them and looked up, shocked to see Kendall as his comforter.

"I'm sorry," he said after a long draw of silence, and James sighed.

"It's okay. I know you want him better too." Kendall nodded against his shoulder.

It was impossible to describe, but there was something stronger than friendship pulling at both boys when it came to Logan. He was more than just a friend. He was more than just _the_ friend. It was instinctive, and it was primal, and it was willing to tear apart anything that could harm _their_ Logie in anyway. But until the day when one of them really _does _hurt Logan, they can put up with it.

Because only then will they have to shred something important.

**Humf. I don't really think I explained it the way I wanted to... Hopefully needless to say, Kendall and James both wanted to protect Logan, and they thought they had to protect him from each other.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay guys, this is part two! I actually wasn't going to write this (my artistic side liked it as a one shot and stuff...) but you guys all added it to your alerts and asked and assumed and stuff, so I just decided to do it anyway. So yeah.**

**Dear Chicks At The Palmwoods,**

**Currently three members of Big Time Rush are single. ****WHAT ARE YOU DOING? **

**Love, ****CheekyBrunette**

Logan stared himself down in the mirror, hating the exhaustion in his expression. He hated everything about himself. His hair was course and matt, his smile was crooked, his eyes a dull brown, his face too angular, his nose too sharp. Everything was ugly, and undesirable, and imperfect. He wanted to get rid of it. He _had_ to get rid of it. He rubbed his nose, wishing he could tear it off. He didn't know what else to do with his horrid features, but throw them away like the garbage they were. Besides, it probably hurt him more to keep them on, than it would to rip them away.

Logan rolled up his sleeves. The long, thin cuts hidden underneath stared back at him in glowing red, the color mocking him. It was a constant reminder to what lie just below. He shivered and glowered at them. Not even his blood was right. He wanted it out, he wanted the satisfaction he felt when he watched it's gloppy consistency water out and flow down the sink. He liked seeing the bad go away.

It was almost like the wold was laughing at him. As soon as he had figured out a way to get rid of something he hated without everybody finding out how pathetic, how _weak_ he was, it had to just be snatched away. He was sick of the body checks, the searches through his stuff, and the watchful eyes. He craved to drain himself out again and get rid of all the wrongness inside him.

Tears of frustration welled in his eyes, and he clawed at his arms with his nails, their ugliness just fueling his tyrant further. He blindly tore at the healing scars, eyes lighting up a little as he drew blood. He scratched violently at his bleeding arms until they were raw and open, skin making way for the flood of blood pouring from them. Panic struck, quickly followed by horror as he realized what he was doing. He started to hyperventilate as he frantically turned on the sink, hot water scalding his shredded arms. Tears flowed down his cheeks, but not because of pain. Guilt had overtaken him.

Logan rested his head on the cool edge of the sink, the porcelain feeling good on his flushed cheeks. Why was he doing this? He was hurting his friends, and he hated it. It was fin when he was just cutting himself, but now that the guys knew... it was almost like he was slashing his friend's arms instead of his own. Plus, even though he wouldn't admit it, cutting _hurt_. No matter how badly Logan wanted it, and he truly did, blood was not supposed to be on the outside of anyone's body.

He heard some screaming over the rushing water, but ignored it as silence followed. He crawled away from the sink after a while, and held towels to his wounds, bright red streaking the fading white. He pulled his knees to his chest, arms pressed up in between, and buried his face into the towel. This somewhere in the back of his brain, he knew his friends would be telling him he was perfect, that he was underestimating himself, but that didn't change that fact that _they_ thought that, not him.

_Everything is so messed up_, he thought unable to help but whimper as he tried to avoid more crying, failing miserably. He must have been in their a long time because there was a sudden knock on the door. Logan, looked up sharply to see Kendall and James, both with already red-rimmed eyes, walk through the door. The locks had been removed ever since they found out, and realized that they couldn't trust him to stop on his own. James let out a small gasp and turned away, holding himself and biting his lower lip. It was painfully obvious how much he was struggling to contain himself, which just made Logan hate himself that much more. Kendall, meanwhile just looked kind of shocked.

"How..." he gulped, not really wanting the answer, "how did you do that?" he asked, nodding toward Logan's ripped apart arms. Logan kept his head down, not really wanting to admit to Kendall how bad he really was. He knew he was a danger to himself, but he hadn't known how unmanageable it had gotten until now.

"With my nails," he said, eyes fixating on the tile of the bathroom floor. When Kendall didn't say anything, Logan looked up to see him rummaging through the medicine cabinet and pulling out gauze. The look on his face made it clear as to what he was thinking, but James was oddly the one brave enough to say it out loud.

"I think you need help, Logan," the tall boy said, looking like he hated the idea himself, which is probably because he did. James honestly didn't care if it was really best for Logan to send him away to a ward or something, but he did know that he couldn't take seeing him like this another day, all torn up and broken... it was impossible. Logan's heart started pounding wildly in his chest as Kendall remained silent in agreement and came over to start wrapping his arms.

"No... NO!" he shrieked, not caring if he woke Katie or Carlos who were already having an impossible time getting through this, and definitely did _not _need to hear him screaming while bloody in the middle of the night. "You can't take me away!" He looked up at Kendall, shaking his head slightly as he denied what his mind was processing. "Please, don't send me away, let me be here, I need here, I can- ack!" he yelped when Kendall slapped him across the face brutally. Logan looked up to see Kendall's expressionless face, his eyes hiding behind his blond bangs, his shoulders trembling slightly.

"Why won't you just get help?" he asked quietly, and then lifted his head to reveal tear filled eyes. "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GET BETTER? HOW COME YOU WON'T TRY? Don't you see how it's tearing us apart when you do it to yourself? WHY WON'T YOU JUST LISTEN! LOGAN, WE WANT YOU TO STOP!" he cried out desperately, a single tear falling to the ground with a splat. Logan looked up at Kendall, arm only half wrapped. He shook and let his gaze fall back down to the floor, groping for the blonde's hand and gripping it as tightly as he could once he found it.

"_You're the only ones who can help me,_" he whispered in a breath, not missing it as a groggy eyed Carlos made his way in the bathroom, fear etched upon his innocent face.

"Why?" Kendall questioned, not looking at Logan either. His jaw was clenched tight and his muscles were all tensed as his hands stood paused in the process of patching Logan up, something he had gotten far too good at. Logan shuddered before answering.

"Because you're the only ones who make me feel good when I know I'm not."

**Okay I really want to leave it off there, but if one of you demands otherwise, I suppose I'll have too continue... Sigh. When did this become so big?**


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay guys, here's the next update for today, I'm FINALLY finishing this, and I feel like a BOSS, so there you go. Ugh, let's DO THIS!**

**Hehehe. This will SO make all of those out there like me laugh: "He was as tall as a 6'3" tree" "The little boat floated across the water in the exact same way a bowling ball wouldn't" "He weighed as much as a 250 lb. barbell" **

Carlos wasn't exactly sure how it happened. He didn't remember going back to sleep after finding Logan in such a mess in the bathroom last night. He couldn't even begin to recall how he got himself from their bedroom to the dining room table. He didn't know how he had gotten into the clothes he was wearing instead of his pajamas, but it was okay. All his mornings had been big blurs since he had found out. All the normal stuff he did seemed to edit themselves out of his life and be replaced with other things. Horrible things. Things like body checks and digging through Logan stuff. Things like following his friend _everywhere_ to make sure he didn't hurt himself and always checking to see if the bathroom door was open. Things like taping up bleeding arms and washing blood out of the sink.

Carlos smiled weakly up at Mrs. Knight when she plopped a plate of pancakes down in front of him, but he didn't pick up his fork. Eating had somehow wormed its way out of his vocabulary since this whole thing had started, and he was pretty sure Logan was the only one to notice his thinning arms and seemingly growing clothes as the weeks went on. Pretty sure became absolutely certain when Logan squeaked out from across the table, "Eat breakfast this time, buddy."

Carlos looked to his toes, embarrassed that Logan would worry about him, but took a massive bite anyway. He then pushed Logan's pancakes closer to him. "You should, too," he said quietly, sounding a little desperate. Carlos knew he wasn't the only one who had been swimming in his clothes recently. Logan looked like he was about to refuse, but eyeing the Latino's thin wrists seemed to change his mind. He realized that if he didn't eat, Carlos probably wouldn't either, and he couldn't let his friend do that. He grabbed a fork in one feeble hand and followed his friend's lead. They shared a bittersweet moment finally having breakfast together, but it wasn't long before a very worried James and Kendall joined them at the table.

The blonde's hand leached onto Logan's, taking a possessive hold of him and rubbing the edge of one of the bandages around his forearm, bright white and visible as he was wearing short sleeves. James looked miserable, and Kendall wasn't far from it. Logan, meanwhile, had a determined look on his face, one that didn't dull for days. And days. And days.

That same expression carried with him through the next weeks and showed itself still through the next months. Bandages disappeared, the rooting through Logan's stuff slowed to a stop, and after what felt like years, the bathroom door was allowed to close and lock. To the boys, for the first time in a full year, everything felt normal. What they didn't know, was that it was the first time in six years that everything really _was_ normal with Logan. It showed on the healed over, faint scars on his wrists.

But things like these don't just burry themselves. That's why, when everything was starting to look up, when they could all finally hold their heads up again, when the mess that was made was finally untangled, Logan couldn't help but find his way back to that broken part inside of him. Sometimes when you start clinging to something that hard, it's impossible to let go.

Sobbing reverberated through the bedroom, pulsing through the bathroom door in loud, desperate cries. James stood timidly outside, a hand reaching nervously to the top of the frame for the key. He didn't want to have to do this, he didn't want to see what he thought was behind them on the other side, he didn't want to be sad and scared again, but he knew there wasn't any way he could stop it at this point. The mere prick of a key, so small it was almost lost between James's fingers, practically found it's own way into the knob, unlocking it seemingly by itself. James was too numb to have done it himself. The door creaked open, and James first caught a glimpse of short, raven black hair and pale skin. _Logan_. Then a flash of reflected light caught his attention. He gagged.

"KENDALL!" James shouted, and the blonde seemed to instantaneously appear at his side. His breath hitched when he saw the same scene James did. There was Logan, lying on the cold bathroom tile and razor blade wavering about the scarred skin of his wrist. He wasn't bleeding, but it didn't matter. Here was the threat of everything they had worked so hard to drag themselves out of starting over again, and that was horrifying and depressing enough. A repeat of the last year was the farthest from anything they needed.

"Logan, drop it," Kendall said authoritatively and Logan complied, body trembling as sheets of tears fell down his cheeks. James didn't know what to do, but when Carlos walked in and was practically paralyzed with fear, he got a pretty good idea. He wrapped his arms around the Latino, but not for long. Logan was just un-ignorable at the moment. Surprisingly, Carlos was the first to say anything.

"Wh-why?" he choked out, looking scared. He knew what this meant for him. He knew he was going to be hungry again. He was going to be hungry, and scared, and sad. Carlos also knew he didn't truly have to be, but being nourished and happy and care-free was almost a sickening thought when Logan was so... well, not. The depressed boy couldn't meet any of their eyes. He couldn't answer. He couldn't even think. It was then that Kendall wrapped him in a big hug.

"Tell," he whispered into Logan's ear, and their friend seemed to shudder into action at his request.

"I don't know!" he wailed, taking fistfuls of Kendall's shirt and pulling him close, not missing it when James's arms found their way around his thin waist. "It's just so hard! It's been so hard to have it under there! To have it bubbling and boiling and bouncing around under my skin, making me run, making me go, when I don't want to!" he said, and it didn't take an expert to figure out he was talking about his blood. "It makes me ugly, and it taints me, and it's vile, and sadistic, and I want it OUT!" he shrieked. Carlos flinched, his first move in what felt like ages. Kendall looked him in the eyes, seemingly lost.

"Why don't you _say_ anything?" he asked slowly, and Logan shrugged, much to James's displeasure. He was sick of _dealing_ with this! James was selfish, and he knew it, but he was so _done _with Logan being unhappy. How hard was it to look in the mirror and like what you see? James _always_ liked what he saw, and it was unfathomable to him that Logan didn't. He felt rage clawing it's way out of him, and he didn't try to stop it.

"No, Logan, don't give me that! Why can't you just get OVER it? You're just so freaking PERFECT, and I'm so SICK of you not seeing it! I just... God, Logan. I'm SO sick of having to tell you what you should KNOW! You're supposed to be SMART, but, what, you don't understand that draining yourself of all the blood in your body is BAD? I don't care if you drink six gallons of orange juice afterwards, you shouldn't do it! How long is it going to take you to figure out that YOU AREN'T ALLOWED TO DO THIS TO ME ANYMORE!" he screamed, and for a minute, looking at Logan's terrified face, he didn't care. But guilt worked quickly, and Logan's whimpering brought him around. "Oh, man, Logan, I-"

"I know," he said quietly, jaw shaking, but he didn't stammer. "I know, that's why I didn't." The tears started falling faster than ever, and it alarmed James quite a bit. In fact, it scared all of them. "I wanted to so bad, but i didn't. I wanted to for hours, more like ever since I stopped, but I didn't," his voice was soft and small in the silence of the bathroom, his friends drinking in every word. "I wouldn't," he finished near silently, his volume dropping considerably. James might as well have just been stabbed.

"I-I-I-" he snagged for words but couldn't find any. He could feel himself paling, but before Kendall could pounce and start yelling at him, the reddening of his face proving he wanted to do just that, he started babbling, "Logie, I'm so sorry! I can't... I was just scared because everything was going so great, and I don't want it to be bad again. Please, forgive me, I just want you to be that smiley Logan you used to be!" he yelped, knowing he wasn't exactly helping, but he was about as low as he could be at the moment, anyway. He might as well try. Logan still didn't stop crying. Not even close.

"I-It's m-kay," he hiccuped, his voice not coming to him. Carlos looked at Logan, still focused on the razor that had been in his hand. It was hard to forget about something like that.

"How can we make it better?" he asked, looking for all the world like a scared little boy, which, he sort of was. Logan just shook his head, eyes big and looking completely dazed. He absentmindedly started tracing the scares on his forearm with a finger, one of the habits he had developed over the course of the year. The boys had the same one, always stroking each still-red mark wherever they were, unable to completely forget what had happened, despite their best efforts to leave it in the past.

"Just... be around. I think... I think I'm getting there," he said, scared to be hopeful, but where would they be without hope?

When it's nobody's fault, it's all you have.

**Haha, silly end, but I LOVE this fic. LOOK HOW LONG THE CHAPTERS ARE! You can so see I have a patience with this one like I have for no other!**


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